Communication

We are now all back to 'normal' life after a season of everyone going in all different directions. The boys were in California for 2 weeks with their great-aunt and had a wonderful time full of activities and adventures. Naomi and I had our own smaller adventures here at home learning more about interacting with each other and (in my case) learning how to be consistent and firm with her. It was such a time of refreshing for all of us as well as introspection and transversly, seeing the bigger picture. Doug and I have marveled at how we tend to get so caught up in our daily happenings and we need these times to take a step back and remember, from a distance, why we are doing all these little things. Remembering not to let our schedule, or to-do list rule us, but remain a tool to accomplish those things that need to be done but aren't actually 'the point'. And what is the point?

Having just spent 2 week away from my ever-growing boys it's easy to remember how much I love them. How proud I am of how they are growing up. I swung through feelings of regret about my responses and lack of interaction with their lives and happy memories of things we have done together. Sweet things they have said rang in my ears as well as not so sweet things that have been a source of frustration to me in knowing how to teach and not nag.

One of the realizations that I had was how much I allow them to rule me and my decisions. I have such a tendency to want to give them choices and prove their responsibility that I forget sometimes to actually let them earn it. You know, putting the cart before the bull. Let me tell you, that is quite ineffective. The result is the exact opposite of what I am hoping for. I get frustrated because I think they should be so grateful and respectful that I am such an understanding and flexible mom...ha ha! But they have been trained by this that they deserve certain privileges by right, so what do I expect?

I came up with a list of three things that we are going to work on this season.

1. respecting us with your actions and not just your intentions (or words)

2. taking pride in a job well done (chores, etc)

3. communication; make suggestions to your siblings, not demands.

Number three is a really tough one. It is part one in a series on communicating well.

Communication is so crucial. Children tend to think, or maybe we all do, that if the thought was there that covers it. What I see happening a lot is a lack of understanding of how to make sure the other person really knows what you are saying. Then when there is a misunderstanding one or the other blows up. This point that we are working on has to do with the basic fact that a sibling is not an authority figure. Non-authority figures cannot make demands. All too often one sibling feeling 'in the right' demands the other to conform to said rule or idea and expects instant capitulation. Yeah, right. Just the mere fact that the first child is demanding, rules out all sense of reasoning and it becomes a power struggle instantly.

I am really trying to help the children see that their tone, inflexion and choice of words can make all the difference in how they are responded to. For instance, "GET OUT OF MY ROOM!"
as oppposed to "I really need to be alone for a while, can you shut the door."

I know, I know a lot of this is going to be a process for a long time. But if I can at least give them the tools they will have them when they need them and choose to use them. I am convinced that communication is the absolute number one thing we can teach our children. No matter what they end up doing in life it is imperative that they communicate! And not just communicating to survive and be understood but to share the good news of Jesus with others in a way that is going to be understandable and real not just a bunch of words.

I hope that I am able to consistently follow through with my plans!